I’m not sure if you have hit the Threenager stage of parenting yet. I’m pretty much in the middle of it, with a good year or so of it ahead of me. In case you’re wondering if you’re close, here’s some things your child might start saying so you know you’ve arrived at Threenager Road, population, you.

***Warning, some of these things might seem alarming.***

Top 5 Things Your Toddler Might Start Saying As They Approach The Threenager Stage:

5: “Where’s the fucking Ipad?” I’m not sure, but I think there’s a wee bit of teenager in this statement.

4: “Can I substitute the spicy tuna roll for a California roll?” When your toddler starts ordering sushi like a pro, you’re getting close.

3: “When is your celly due for the upgrade?” Oy vey. I’m not even prepared to deal with a question like that.

2: “But Johnny’s parents let him watch R rated movies!” Good for Johnny’s parents. I’ll be sure to punch those assholes in their faces next time I see them.

1: “Buckle up mother fuckers.” There’s not much to add here. You’re pretty much fucked at this point.

Don’t get me wrong. Having a toddler is fun. And having a Threenager can also have its perks. But buddy, don’t let your guard down.