I love being a mom. I really do. I enjoyed both of my pregnancies. It felt like a magical time, growing a tiny little person. I actually looked forward to labor. (Who the fuck in their right mind looks forward to natural childbirth?!) But I did. All of it. I enjoyed it.
Little did I know that the day that fastest swimmer accosted my perfect little egg on that fateful night that my untouched obedient bladder would never be the same.
Let’s Go Back to the Birth of Child #1
I had been in labor for 10 hours with no epidural. At the time it was important to me not to have one. Maybe it was my Supermom Complex starting early. I don’t know. So I’m breathing, I’m “HEE”-ing. I’m “HA”-ing and “SHOOSH”-ing and all that crazy stuff they teach you in childbirth classes. And suddenly it’s GO Time. I’m fully dilated. Let’s push out a baby!
All that yoga I did while pregnant comes to play and in 10 minutes, I’m crowing. Oh Fuck, it’s the “RING OF FIRE!” Sweet Baby Jesus, no one told me it would be like THIS. Suddenly my well-thought, typed and bulletted birth plan is discarded on the floor and out the window like a pink taffeta dress on Prom Night (after 3 wine coolers…)
“CUT ME!”, says this guttural voice like something out of the Exorcist. “But I thought you wanted to avoid an episiotomy…” says the doctor. “CUT ME!” And after the snip, baby slides out. Everyone is crying and laughing. Hooray! Baby’s here! You did it Momma. And the doctor starts stitching back together my pelvic floor. And that’s how it started. Kid #2 was also delivered naturally with the dreaded “snip” to end the “RING OF FIRE” and later being stitched back together like a crazy quilt.
My Rebellious Bladder
The first time my bladder started rebelling against my FIT MOM lifestyle, I was at the gym taking a Total Body Class. During the warm up jumping jacks suddenly there’s a gush and my choice of light-colored heather grey workout shorts is now a bad idea because I’m DRENCHED and you can tell. I turn to my work-out partner- make a gesture of “ACK- WTF?!” and run out of the class to go tend to my disobedient bladder. I did finish the class that day with a wet toosh and embarrassed.
The next several years were spent trying to design fitness routines around my bladder. OK- weight lifting- that works! Hooray! Except for the day I use the seated leg press machine and strive for a new personal best. Golden Shower again- but at least I’m wearing black pants that day. I experimented with every combination of empty bladder before, during, after workout, before leaving the house once twice, three times.
“Hey- take this new Bootcamp class with me”. OK, sounds like fun. Until there’s jumping jacks. Shit. I kegeled, I crossed my legs, I avoided, I modified.
Here Comes 40
Then 40 crept up on me. And then- those PADS! I refused to try anything even resembling adult diapers. Those were for old ladies with pee problems. Suddenly CVS was carrying pads in different sizes, shapes. They were for all Moms- not just old ladies. The commercials and print ads show young independent women shopping, out with friends. Enjoy your life without peeing your pants! Yes! This is for me!
Would you believe my rebellious over-achieving bladder maxed out the capacity of those suckers? Now I have a collection of various capacity “oops I just peed” pads for short workouts, longer workouts, those that involve PLYO and jumping. Since then I’ve also started to love Beachbody at home workouts. No more running from the fitness class to go hide in the locker room until class is over! No more driving home sitting on a beach towel with my wet ass. No more “walk of shame” thinking everyone is staring at the Mom who peed herself in class. Shaun T seems to have the effect on me the most.
Now it’s not just jumping jacks that my bladder rebels against, we have split lunges, star jumps, switch kicks. Pick your poison- Gush. Should I just dump a cup of water on my lap before I start? So I adapt. Empty bladder first. Not just once but 2-3 times. Pause tape after 5 minutes right as “high knees” start. Pray I make it to the end without totally drenching myself. Some days it works! Other days not so much and I’m leaving a big ass-shaped wet spot on the chair post workout. It doesn’t matter how many kegels I try doing. It never ends.
Reason #962 why I love Beachbody and working out at home- I pee when I exercise. Every. Damn. Time. But if I can survive natural childbirth twice (with an episiotomy- and no drugs), if I can survive raising two active busy boys, then I’m not going to let pee stop me.
Share your “Pee Happens” story with us at sothishappened@bleepingmotherhood.com
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