My walls look like hell, covered with crayon scribble. My coffee is cold and spilled all over the countertop. My folded laundry is unfolded and thrown about my bedroom. All day long, I get TODDLERED.

TODDLERED in the bathroom.

TODDLERED in the living room.

TODDLERED in the shower.

Even when I lay my head down on my pillow at night to go to sleep, I get TODDLERED in my dreams. Not cool. Not fair.

In case you missed Bleeping Motherhood’s TODDLERED week, you can catch up with our TODDLERED FAQs

Is there any light at the end of the toddler tunnel?

Yes.

But you MUST be willing to take drastic measures.

The following Methods may be introduced one at a time, or all together and have been reviewed and tested by 3 pediatricians in Iowa. They had no comment.

Drastic DETODDLERIZING Method #1:

Remove everything in your home within your child’s reach (anything that is approximately 4 feet tall). This seems like a lot of work, but worth it.

 Drastic DETODDLERIZING Method #2:

Seal off the toilets and begin peeing and pooing outdoors. Yes, we said drastic.

Drastic DETODDLERIZING Method #3:

Bubblewrap everything. Everything is at risk. Just bubblewrap everything. I can already hear you asking “Should I bubble wrap the…” Yes. And Hell Yes. Just bubblewrap everything, including yourself, and the toddlers.

Drastic DETODDLERIZING Method #4:

Eat everything at lukewarm temps. Even ice cream. We had an ice cream incident here that I won’t get into details, because I don’t want to frighten anyone. But take my word for it — to avoid getting TODDLERED with ice cream, or other food products, you will want to eat everything luke-freaking-warm.

Drastic DETODDLERIZING Method #5:

Only, and I mean only brush your teeth at 3:13 a.m. This seems like a bizarre action, but it is well worth it. The small caveat that we are still working through is that morning breath seems to resurface by 6 a.m. This is a work in progress.

The above Methods were once rationalized by Dr. Abraham Maslow in the late 1960’s. Maslow later died from a brain hemorrhage.

Good Luck!

Send us your “Methods” of how you avoid getting TODDLERED at sothishappened@bleepingmotherhood.com