Yes. And. Yes.

How many times do you “think” you’re going to enjoy a nice, buttery piece of toast with a piping hot cup of open my eyes coffee?

I make a diligent attempt every morning. Good for me.

But we all know that the toast will burn, and the coffee will be ice cold. How many times do I heat my coffee in the microwave? Two? Three? More like 5. Yeah, 5 beotch.  At this rate, I should just start liking iced coffee right? No. Fuck ice coffee.

Let’s see, what else. Oh right. Remember that time you wanted to sit down for 2 minutes? But your son was running around on the dining room table, naked?

Oh. How about the time you wanted to pee, but then you couldn’t because the kids were fighting each other, Nacho Libre style? (Silver Lining: I think I may have been able to pee 4 hours later. My bladder is as heavy as a 90 year old man’s ball sac these days.)

Ahh, yes. And the plum. Ever really look forward to eating something? One day, for me, it was a plum. I washed the plum. I dried the plum. I sat down to eat the plum. And my God awful son came running over to me with a shit eating grin on his face yelling “APPLE!” “APPLE!”. I tried telling him it’s not an apple, it’s a plum.

“APPLE!”

“It’s not an apple. It’s a plum.”

I took a bite of my plum. But it was so fucking unenjoyable, because of this apple-whore child latching at my thigh, pulling on my arm to eat my/his “PLAPPLE.”

So I gave up on my plum, and gave it to him. He took one bite and threw it on the floor like an old prostitute.

As I watch it roll along my floor to go and die under the couch and into the depths of the couch graveyard, I think, “FUCK, I was really looking forward to that plum. And now it’s dead.”

Actually, some Doritos sound pretty damn good right about now. Cool Ranch. Doubt I’ll get to enjoy those, though. My kids are in the next room. As soon as they hear the chip bag crinkle, they’ll be Dorito dancing their way over to me, inevitably ruining my snack time, again. And people wonder why I’m a scrawny bitch.

Phew. That lil’ bitch-rant felt pretty good.

Send us your bitchy rants right now at sothishappened@bleepingmotherhood.com

Feel free to rant about anything! It’ll be fun.