Top 5 phrases that would sound great coming out a toddler’s mouth:
5 – Shotgun!
4 – A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
3 – Manicure, pedicure, eyebrows please.
2 – Smack it up, flip it. Rub it down, oooohhh.
1 – Have you seen Kim K’s ass lately?
The ice cream truck is back in action and is circling my neighborhood. I fucking hate the ice cream truck, and the man driving it. The second my daughter hears the ice cream truck chimes, she starts going into some sort of toddler rage, like the Hulk. Her face becomes a different color, her clothes […]
Don’t bother opening that cheese slice.
Assuming your little one did want you to open it, you probably won’t open it right. You will probably, in his or her eyes, open it upside down, too much from one end or the other.
Then it is ruined.
Forever.
If you do happen to open it just right, chances are he […]
As if having kids doesn’t make you feel tired, old and useless. Let’s face it, some days we’ve got one foot in the retirement home door. Here’s a few more signs that you’re becoming more tired, more old and more useless:
5 – You purchase “The Clapper”. And you love it.
4 – You eat a Werther’s […]
It’s 11:15am, Friday morning. I’m getting some work done and perk up to realize I have a conference call in 15 minutes.
Both kids are playing really well and quietly in the next room, and if they can just do me this one solid of being cool for another 30-40 minutes, I’d be eternally grateful.
But. Fuck. […]
Here’s one simple trick that will get your feet rubbed, and maybe even earn you a couple minutes to yourself.
Put a dish towel over your shoulder just before your husband walks in the door. Not only will you look like you have been multi tasking for hours, it adds to the “abused mom” character. (See […]
There’s just something about The Count saying, “nipple”
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