Shut The Bleep Up
People say dumb shit. People love peppering you with questions about how you raise your kids. Here’s a list of dumb questions, and here’s the responses that you should give:
Them: Oohhh, you didn’t get the flu shot???
You: No. (then proceed to cough in their face).
Them: Do you buy organic?
You: Nope. I like to poison my […]
Top 5 – Disney Princess Edition
Top 5 deleted scenes from your favorite Disney Princess movies:
5: Right after Jasmine decides she wants to marry Aladdin, she tries on over a dozen push up bras, but can’t seem to find the right fit.
4: Once Aurora is pricked with the spinning wheel, she rebels and starts having sex with animals.
3: Flynn convinces Rapunzel […]
Don’t Fuck With Me While Shopping
When I’m in the grocery store with the kids, other shoppers sometimes make small talk with us. All over the store, I’m chatting and smiling while people wave and make mindless chit chat with me, on account of my adorable fucking children. If I’m in the store by myself might I add, people don’t give […]
Top 5 Kids Stores That Can F* Off
5: Babies R Us
As a new mom, Babies R Us was my go to, and I’d buy my diapers there, and run there when I needed baby supplies because they gave you those stupid fricken coupons…you know the ones that are totally useless for diapers and not valid until March 14, 2045? Yeah, I don’t […]
It’s All A Bleeping Conspiracy
Children know exactly how to press our buttons. I believe that after my children go to sleep, they conspire with other toddlers via an ultra secret, ultra exclusive underground tunnel and discuss how to fuck with their parents. Because the next morning, there always seems to be an extensive, well thought out tantrum presentation. Every […]
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