As the award winner of Worst Mom Ever, I’d be happy to share some of the steps that not only got me nominated, but also helped me win!  I’d love to share the steps of what I did to win this enviable award.

Top 5 Steps That Made Me The Worst Mom Ever

5. I sat down – I know, call me crazy, but ever so often, my legs really need a break.  Unfortunately, that sometimes means I can’t run and get them whatever they desperately need or their life will end.  This means they don’t have access to the fork they need (completely available at their level), the doll that fell on the floor (right in front of them) or the blanket draped the way they like over their delicate little legs.  Nobody drapes a blanket like mom, huh?

4. I encouraged basic hygiene – Nothing like asking a child to put on a clean pair of pants to get you closer to being the Worst Mom Ever!  It gets even better when I brush their hair (with the unnecessarily expensive but super effective  Wet Brush trust me, this shit works!) for them (not even insisting they do it themselves) or hand them the clean socks that I fetched for them.  How dare I!

3. I gave them food – They wanted pasta, I gave them pasta!  With butter and pink salt, just like they asked!  BUT IT’S THE WRONG SHAPE!  How did I not know that?  I had no idea that bowties, gemelli and macaroni all have drastically different tastes!  Apparently my taste buds have dulled from the vodka shooters I drink while trying to deal with the angry screams of displeasure.

2. I make them clean up their mess – This actually sounds harsher than I really am.  Sometimes I make them clean up their mess, many times I never get to it.  But when I do, that’s almost a direct line to winning the award.  As I survey my living room while trying to write this post and see the many, many messes surrounding me, I laugh that this made the list.  Yet still I try to get them to clean the garbage they’ve left around.  And still they writhe on the floor screaming child-like obscenities (poopie is a dominate factor).  This might also help me to win Worst Wifey Ever.

1. I have the “it-factor” – I wish I could accurately define what it is I have that aggravates my children, but frequently I can’t even tell myself.  I’m given attitude, and get yelled at with indiscernible words through the screams and tears.  I’m afraid, once the hugs have been given and the tears have dried, what exactly I did to illicit such a response, so I’m not really sure.  But whatever it is, I have it.  I bet you can find it within yourself, too!

Can you tell we’ve been inside together too long?

What steps have you used to get a nomination as the Worst Mom Ever Award?  Tell us below or continue the conversation on the Bleeping Motherhood facebook page.